This post is more deeply personal that usual. Anxiety isn’t something I generally talk about publicly, not because I feel it’s taboo but because it’s not something I need to talk about. I know when I’m experiencing an episode and can articulate what’s happening quite clearly. When a new or different trigger arises I learn about it and work towards overcoming that trigger.

Yesterday I had a bit of an a ha moment around what I steps I need to take and further exploration today has helped me to better understand what’s going on for me internally. I also had a good chat about it all with my mum. She’s been a solid rock in my turbulent waters this year.

Growing up Mum had a book on the bookshelf that always intrigued me.

When I say no I feel Guilty.

I don’t think that my teenage brain could comprehend what that meant. I hadn’t yet experienced the kinds of adult responsibilities that lead to the conflicting emotions that saying no can bring.

Sadly, Mum has a habit of purging her unwanted books so she doesn’t have it anymore. It’s obviously a book that stuck with her because she only ditched it recently and gave me a quick overview when I asked her about it. I’ll have to see if it’s available as an audio.

Recently I posted a quick live video about the internal struggle I’ve been experiencing around the balance between doing what’s right for me and putting someone else’s needs ahead of my own. It’s a tough thing because I am empathic and, perhaps, an empath. I certainly identify with the typical traits. One way or another I’m hardwired to be highly sensitive.

Being highly sensitive doesn’t mean that I cry at any and everything sad. Nor does it mean that I have a strong response to perceived criticisms. I’m more likely to cry at things that make me feel overwhelmingly happy or as a vessel to de-stress built up emotions. I take criticism on board and deal with it in a balanced way. I’m pretty much always open to learning experiences and different perspectives.

This year I’ve noticed myself building increasing walls around me as a means of self protection. At the same time I’ve ventured out side of these walls in search of new friendships.

I struggle with setting boundaries because the disappointment, anger, grief and other emotions that can arise in others when I say no impact me deeply. I often feel like I’m in a no win situation because if I stand up for myself I become overwhelmed with the negative emotions of others or being compliant leads me to feel pretty crap about myself.

Being asked to do things that I don’t want to do, shouldn’t be doing and, by design, are purely to benefit someone else has recently had the effect of triggering significant episodes of anxiety.

Several times I’ve said to Steven that I can recognise why people who cut themselves do it. It creates a tangible pain that gives weight to the intangible pain related to internal emotion.

A series of events have started to feel like they’re snowballing on me and elements of my life have increasingly felt outside my control. The anxiety episodes have become increasingly frequent and I’ve retreated further inside.

Yesterday some words popped into my Facebook newsfeed that hit me exactly when I needed them. They were a kick in the pants to stand up for myself and learn to better separate my emotions from the emotions of others. A catalyst to again ensure I am prioritising my own needs.

Your life belongs to you. Find your voice.

Simple, evocative words from Tricia Karp that I’m adopting as a mantra to help me set boundaries that serve me in the way I need them to.

My life belongs to me.

I get to set the terms of engagement and choose who I let inside my walls and which room I allow them into.

I’ve recognised that there are certain personality types that I am incompatible with. Coming to that understanding is a positive thing because it helps me better develop the framework I need to work within.

I know that it’s going to take time to rebuild my emotional strength but this experience serves to highlight why being a ‘hard arse’ is actually a good thing for me.

My life belongs to me and I will stop feeling guilty when I say no.

How good are you at saying no and feeling at ease about it?