One thing I know for sure about myself is that I set high standards for myself. If something is worth doing it’s worth doing to the best of my ability.

I’m not a perfectionist by any means but a half arsed effort seems like a waste of time.

This year running has taken a big back seat for me. I backed right off on solo running earlier in the year because I unexpectedly hit a patch of major anxiety. Being alone in my head doesn’t work for me sometimes. It’s not much fun walking home because you started crying while you were running.

Then I got sick, I was run down and managed to pick up whooping cough. Close on five months later I’m still not 100% and my fitness has been seriously decimated.

It’s all good, I get to have fun rebuilding again. I’m approaching it with a positive outlook because there’s not much point in doing it any other way.

I haven’t really thought too much about what goals I want to set myself for 2017 yet. By goals I mean running related, business and personal goals are different again. I know that I do want to eclipse my achievements from 2013 but I feel a little scared about setting my sights there because I’ve never really been happy with what I achieved in 2013.

In 2013 I set myself the goal of qualifying for the NY Marathon by running a qualifying time. A sub 3:15* marathon.

On Sunday 7^th July 2013 I lined up at the start for the Gold Coast Marathon. 03:25:37 I crossed the finish line. 78^th, in the top 5% of all female runners, 17^th in my division and was completely disappointed. I’d fallen well below the bar I’d set for myself, not even close to where my training had me placed.

The thing about running marathons, you don’t get a do a do over. It’s another year before you can run that same race and it’s unlikely that the conditions will be the same.

The day I ran the Gold Coast in 2013 it was hot and windy. I probably went out a little too hard. I’d eaten something the night before that didn’t agree with me and I’d also spent too much time on my feet in the two days leading up to the event. I slept badly the night before and my shoes were black.

Black running shoes have been synonymous with bad running juju for me ever since.

The disappointment of that race sat heavy on my shoulders for three years. I slowly backed off my training and struggled to regain the same mindset that I’d had in the lead up to July 2013. I didn’t cope well with that disappointment.

A few months ago, probably around the time of #GCAM16 I reflected again on 2013 and went back and looked at my time from that day. I’d forgotten the numbers.

Looking at my result again and having that realisation about having placed in top 5% at 78^th I gave myself a bit of a reality check. Disappointment of falling short of my goal aside I’d never really focused on what I had actually achieved. What I had achieved wasn’t the standard I’d trained to achieve but it was still something quite remarkable.

Top 5% in Australia’s premiere event. Mum of four. Amateur runner who’d found the time to train for the event amidst work and family life.

It was a reality check for me. A gentle prod to not be quite so hard on myself. A kick up the backside about what I can achieve when I focus and put in the hard work. Inspiration to travel that road again.

The big lesson learned for me is that sometimes I’m too hard on myself. I think that’s more than likely true for most women. I also think that I have indulged that disappointment for too long and it’s time to get over it and move forward.

Marathons are long haul events, 99% of the effort is in making it to the start line. If you can do the preparation that gets you to the start getting to the finish is easy by comparison. Marathon running does make a good, albeit clichéd, metaphor for life. You don’t get a do over so you have to make the most of circumstances as they are.

78^th was a great achievement. With hard work maybe I can step it up a few places.

*The absolute irony of this story is that it took me until after I’d run the NY Marathon in 2014 to realise that I did actually run a qualifying time prior to Gold Coast. A 1:34 half-marathon also represents qualifying standard and I’d smashed that to pieces six weeks earlier in the Barossa with a 1:31:31 half (I have a date with those extra 1 minute and 31 seconds one day).

If I’d realised that I’d already qualified then I never would have placed so much pressure on myself and the outcome quite possibly would have been different.